Mini Blog 5/n, Body Image in Quarantine

In a lot of ways, I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago. My interests are different, I spend my time differently, and I’ve done a lot of introspection this year that makes me feel like I’ve grown a lot this year mentally.

However, I didn’t realize that I would physically feel like a different person as well. I went into a fitting room for the first time in a very long time the other day and was shocked! It sounds dramatic but it’s true!

My body looked completely different. I have full-body mirrors in my home, but very rarely look at myself nearly naked while changing. I’ve been exercising regularly but in completely different ways than I had in the past and my body composition definitely reflected that. My limbs were more toned than they had been before because I was lifting more weights; on the flip side, my body felt more “squishy” overall, likely because I was doing significantly less cardio.

Even my head, which I look at every day in the mirror, looked different with the context of the rest of my body! My hair was much frizzier than it’s ever been in the past, probably because I never need to actually style it anymore and simply tuck it under a hat whenever I need to leave the house. I was wearing glasses and not wearing any makeup, which I started doing in quarantine and have gotten used to but, again, was not used to seeing together with the rest of my body.

Like many people, I feel like my entire being – physically, mentally, etc. – was becoming amorphous in quarantine. However, I had not been confronted with that reality until I stepped into that dressing room. I left the store that day realizing that I hadn’t really felt “beautiful” in… a long time. Maybe this is because I hadn’t put on contact lenses, makeup, and a nice outfit in a long time. Maybe it’s because my mind hasn’t been focused on feeling “pretty” in a long time.

As superfluous as this sounds, I liked putting effort into my appearance on a regular basis. Whenever I could, I liked looking put together with carefully chosen and coordinated outfits, with a matching lipstick, dramatic eye makeup, and rosy cheeks. “Looking the part” made me feel like I could conquer the world! When I realized that I hadn’t been doing that for a long time, it felt like that part of me had been slowly fading away and I had not even noticed it – which was scary. I realized that I hadn’t truly felt like my confident, pre-quarantine self in a long time, and it made me sad, frankly.

Anyway, I wish I had a grand takeaway at the end of this post – you’re beautiful no matter what! beauty is on the inside! fuck beauty standards! – but I don’t! I am a big proponent of sitting with discomfort and learning from it instead of following my first instincts of putting a band-aid on it, running away, and ignoring it. Feeling “ugly” in my own skin was not a good feeling, but I’m choosing to use this realization to make plans moving forward instead of regretting the time and choices made in quarantine. I want to feel better, so what changes can I make to do that?

(I know it’s not that easy for some people! However, I’ve made a lot of mindset shifts, especially around my body, that I’ve been using to guide myself toward workable action that not only affects my appearance, but my overall health. I’ve always viewed myself as a work-in-progress, in every sense of the word and in every facet of my being, but also acknowledge that I’ve done a lot of mental work and meditation to get to a point where I don’t hate my body simply because it doesn’t “look good,” whatever that means. It’s a tough road!)

At best, I’m hoping someone out there will read this and realize that they’re not alone! At worst… maybe I’ll read this post again in a few years and cringe at how superficial I’m being. Who knows!

Trisha Cooks: Ube Cheesecake

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to visit the local (read: 40 minutes away) Filipino store to stock up on Filipino goods (read: ensaymada). Among other things, we picked up ube extract, something neither of us had used before but were excited to try out, especially because I’ve been experimenting more with baking.

Around the same time, we were craving cheesecake, so we picked up a big block of cream cheese and graham crackers to make one. We reviewed the recipe we would be using and realized that we could substitute some of the vanilla extract for ube – so we decided to try it out!

Continue reading →

A Plan for Better Sleep in 2021

I spent the end of 2020 tossing and turning in my bed every night. This wasn’t new to the end of the year, or new to this specifically stressful year. I’ve had trouble going to sleep and staying asleep since I was a teenager, and even wrote previously about the sleep hygiene habits that I’ve learned keep over the past few years.

However, despite my best efforts, I’ve slacked in these habits, and my sleep has suffered for it dearly. This was especially true during that magical week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, when I didn’t have to be up early for work and I retreated back into my late-to-bed, late-to-rise ways.

As I transition back to my day job and a “normal” 9-to-5 schedule, I’ve decided to use the New Year as an excuse to fix my sleeping habits. I’m hoping that it will increase my general energy and help keep me focused on whatever I’m doing when the sun is out.

(I love the sun! I hate being tired and grumpy when the sun is out, OK!)

Stepping Away from Screens/Stress

*I completely thought this said “Good night”… oops! (image from unsplash.com)*

Two days ago, I naturally stepped away from my computer around 11PM. I cleaned the kitchen and picked some clothes off of the floor of my room before getting ready for bed, and was under the covers and reading at 11:45PM. And I slept like a baby afterwards! It was great!

Yesterday, at 10:50PM, instead of repeating my previous night’s routine, which obviously worked, I decided to stay on my computer until 11:50PM. I tried to reproduce some of the wind-down, including still doing the dishes and tidying up before wrapping things up, but I realized that the extra time away from my screen the day before had made a huge difference! I hate to admit it!

Moving forward, I’m going to force myself to be more strict about my wind-down period. I’ve proven to myself that it works, but I often don’t have the willpower to go through with it every single night and, without doing it consistently, it won’t stick.

To help motivate myself to stick with it, I’ve identified things that make me happy and am starting to save them for the end of the day – holding some long, juicy stretches; doing the dishes, because, while I hate doing dishes, I love having a clean kitchen; and writing in my journal, even if it’s just a page of things that I was thankful for that day. I’ve found that temptation bundling has worked for me in the past, so why not try again?

Melatonin

I wrote about melatonin briefly in my last blog post. In general, I have a complicated relationship with over-the-counter sleeping aids, mostly centered around my fear of becoming overly reliant on them. In a perfect world, I’d use them as indicated on the label – for a few days, to adjust my circadian clock to a new bedtime – but, from experience, I know that it’s not always that simple.

Because of this, I’ve begun to be more mindful of my melatonin use. (That word again! Mindful! Meditation really does work guys, I swear!) I look at my schedule for the next day to see how “on” I have to be, and how early. I take stock of my general mood and sleeping patterns over the past few days. At the very least, I see how sleepy I feel that night and if I need any help.

In short, I have found taking melatonin to be extremely helpful in getting restful sleep, but don’t want to use it every night. I’m vowing to not go on autopilot, and re-asses my situation every night before taking it.

Humidifier

As the temperatures drop, my sleeping environment changes, and as my environment changes, I need to make more adjustments!

Oddly enough, I never understood the point of adding more humidity into the room until I spent every waking moment in my apartment with the heater running every moment of the day. Especially within the past month, I’ve found myself waking up in the middle of the night with a dry throat and my nostrils and sinuses feeling dry as a desert. I would chug water to make the discomfort go away, only to continue tossing and turning until I inevitably had to go to the bathroom a few hours later. Curse you, hydration!

I got a small humidifier last weekend and have found that it has fixed this one, little problem for me. I’m grateful! Of course, owning a humidifier comes with its own set of worries – I swear, it needs more maintenance and care than most of my plants – but I am willing to take them on, especially now, with my abundant free time at home.

Alternate Sources of Caffeine

I love coffee! I love the smell of it, the ritual of making it, the taste, the warmth (or the cold, in the summer), the buzz… I can’t give it up entirely!

However, I am learning that I can’t drink it every day, as much as I’d like to. I’ve been branching out to different types of teas – black, green, and matcha – on days when I can afford to be a little more relaxed but still “on.” This habit is still very much in the experimental phase, but I am excited to try different types of teas and how they affect my body. I’m hoping to fall in love with another type of beverage soon!

(If you had told me a year ago that I would be writing in my blog about the excitement of trying tea… I would not have believed you!)