I have been stressed about money since I opened my first bank account in the summer before I started college. I started budgeting and checking my cash flow on a regular basis shortly after getting my first job. I’ve had goals for my money since graduating from college – pay off my loans, save for retirement, buy a home, etc etc.

I have done my best to not let money control my life and let myself enjoy what I’ve earned – but I’ll also be honest, this has been an especially tough year for that. Between unsteady and unpredictable income and a very lovely but very expensive child, I have found it very difficult to splurge on myself!

Anyway, I spent $60 on a nice pair of sweatpants last week – on sale because they were bright red. I don’t have a lot of other bright red in my wardrobe, but they simply… called to me. I want to be a cool mom! with an effortless wardrobe! and structured basics!

All that said, I still fussed and fretted about them – left the tabs open and added them to my cart without clicking “Proceed to checkout” for several days. I could have the sweatpants, or we could have more to put toward daycare next month. I could have the sweatpants, or we could eat out for dinner on a random night. I could have the sweatpants, or I could pay for another race sometime in the future.

Anyway, anyway, I bought the pants. I wore them out on a lazy Sunday. And I loved them! The material was so soft, the color was so vibrant, and the fit was perfect.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, the point I’m trying to make is: I felt good! It was worth it! I need to loosen up some of my money anxiety! (Easier said than done!)

I had a baby girl two years ago and she’s my entire world and she’s my everything and I want to spend every waking moment of my like rolling around on the floor with her and I barely have waking moments because our sleep schedules do not align in any way

I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes two and a half years ago and got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and started taking a GLP-1 one year ago and I haven’t felt in control of my appetite or blood sugar or body in what feels like forever and when I don’t eat enough, I can’t control my mood and when I eat too much, I can’t control my sleep and it feels impossible to eat the exact right amount

I try so hard every night and I try so hard every night and I try so hard every night but I can’t get to sleep and I can’t sleep a full night without tossing and turning and I can’t wake up fully rested and I can’t get out of bed without letting an hour of snoozed alarms pass and I just want to have pleasant, slow mornings with my daughter but my body won’t let me and I feel horrible about it

I signed up for my first triathlon this year and I was so excited for it but struggled with finding the time to train and felt exhausted and definitely wasn’t eating enough and never got fully comfortable in open water so I panicked at the race at the beginning of the swim and I finished it but barely and I was so ashamed (so ashamed) and even thinking of it now makes me want to cry and I still run the slowest out of all of my running friends and I still love running and I still have doubts about calling myself a runner and I wish I had more time to train but I can’t help but feel guilty when I do because

I spend most of my free time at home with my daughter and I miss going out with my friends but if I spend a night away from her I feel guilty for not being with her so I don’t and I feel my adult friendships slipping, slipping, slipping away and even when I do meet up with friends, all I can talk about is her and even when I do reach out to friends, all I can talk about is her and I can’t even talk about shows or movies or memes because I don’t have time for them because of her and I’m not angry about that but I am lonely and I don’t know what to do about it

I don’t know what to do about any of it

When my daughter was 6 months old, I ran my first postpartum half marathon. It was the worst that I’ve ever run in every way – my body felt terrible, the mental wall felt extra tall, and my time was the worst that I’ve ever run. I swore that I wouldn’t sign up for any more races in 2025, and I (mostly*) kept that promise.

(* Mostly because I had also signed up for a local 5K a few weeks after the half marathon, which went… fine! It’s a lot easier to take an L on a 5K that starts 10 minutes away from your apartment!)

I spent the rest of 2025 falling into a groove, juggling parenthood and work with physical activity. It was nice to pepper different types of exercise into my routine, especially swimming. I took two sessions worth of lessons and improved a lot (to be fair, the bar was low)! I focused on lifting weights! I went to PT for my decade-long hip and back pain!

I never strayed too far from road running, especially because my husband and many of my friends are still avid runners, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the pull to sign up for another race myself when cheering them on. Despite this, I stayed strong! Steadfast! I didn’t sign up for any more races in 2025!

At the end of 2025, I finally pulled the trigger and signed up for my next road race – a half marathon in November 2026. A few weeks later, I signed up for another dream race – my first triathlon in September 2026.

I’m proud that I gave myself a long runway to get back into shape – physically and mentally – because I know I’ll need it. I’m proud of myself for throwing my hat back into the ring and not giving up on something that, before having a child, brought me so much joy. Beyond being proud, I’m excited!

And beyond being excited, I’m… terrified!

So much has changed since having a kid, and I’m worried about what the next few months will look like. I know I can run a half marathon, and I know that I can finish a triathlon – I am less worried about the outcomes and more about the journeys to get there.

Currently, I leave work some days feeling so drained that, by the time I get home, I have just enough energy to play with my baby girl for an hour or two before collapsing on the couch – so where am I going to find the energy to train? My husband also has a busy training schedule, and I’m not looking forward to the extra coordination around who will watch baby while the other trains. The pool at our gym is constantly busy and I have no idea when I’ll be able to get down there at all, let alone how to make the most of my time there.

Most of all, I’m worried about feeling guilty about giving up time with her to pursue my own goals. Right now, I want to spend every waking moment with her, and the idea of using my free time to do anything else feels… wasteful. I want to soak in every evening at the library and every afternoon at the playground because I know I won’t have them forever, but I don’t want to do so at the expense of my own personal hopes and dreams.

I know that I will have to rip the band-aid off these worries very soon, but for now, I’m doing my best to enjoy the hell out of every cuddle and story time with her (even if I’m half asleep)!