I had a baby girl two years ago and she’s my entire world and she’s my everything and I want to spend every waking moment of my like rolling around on the floor with her and I barely have waking moments because our sleep schedules do not align in any way

I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes two and a half years ago and got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and started taking a GLP-1 one year ago and I haven’t felt in control of my appetite or blood sugar or body in what feels like forever and when I don’t eat enough, I can’t control my mood and when I eat too much, I can’t control my sleep and it feels impossible to eat the exact right amount

I try so hard every night and I try so hard every night and I try so hard every night but I can’t get to sleep and I can’t sleep a full night without tossing and turning and I can’t wake up fully rested and I can’t get out of bed without letting an hour of snoozed alarms pass and I just want to have pleasant, slow mornings with my daughter but my body won’t let me and I feel horrible about it

I signed up for my first triathlon this year and I was so excited for it but struggled with finding the time to train and felt exhausted and definitely wasn’t eating enough and never got fully comfortable in open water so I panicked at the race at the beginning of the swim and I finished it but barely and I was so ashamed (so ashamed) and even thinking of it now makes me want to cry and I still run the slowest out of all of my running friends and I still love running and I still have doubts about calling myself a runner and I wish I had more time to train but I can’t help but feel guilty when I do because

I spend most of my free time at home with my daughter and I miss going out with my friends but if I spend a night away from her I feel guilty for not being with her so I don’t and I feel my adult friendships slipping, slipping, slipping away and even when I do meet up with friends, all I can talk about is her and even when I do reach out to friends, all I can talk about is her and I can’t even talk about shows or movies or memes because I don’t have time for them because of her and I’m not angry about that but I am lonely and I don’t know what to do about it

I don’t know what to do about any of it

When my daughter was 6 months old, I ran my first postpartum half marathon. It was the worst that I’ve ever run in every way – my body felt terrible, the mental wall felt extra tall, and my time was the worst that I’ve ever run. I swore that I wouldn’t sign up for any more races in 2025, and I (mostly*) kept that promise.

(* Mostly because I had also signed up for a local 5K a few weeks after the half marathon, which went… fine! It’s a lot easier to take an L on a 5K that starts 10 minutes away from your apartment!)

I spent the rest of 2025 falling into a groove, juggling parenthood and work with physical activity. It was nice to pepper different types of exercise into my routine, especially swimming. I took two sessions worth of lessons and improved a lot (to be fair, the bar was low)! I focused on lifting weights! I went to PT for my decade-long hip and back pain!

I never strayed too far from road running, especially because my husband and many of my friends are still avid runners, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the pull to sign up for another race myself when cheering them on. Despite this, I stayed strong! Steadfast! I didn’t sign up for any more races in 2025!

At the end of 2025, I finally pulled the trigger and signed up for my next road race – a half marathon in November 2026. A few weeks later, I signed up for another dream race – my first triathlon in September 2026.

I’m proud that I gave myself a long runway to get back into shape – physically and mentally – because I know I’ll need it. I’m proud of myself for throwing my hat back into the ring and not giving up on something that, before having a child, brought me so much joy. Beyond being proud, I’m excited!

And beyond being excited, I’m… terrified!

So much has changed since having a kid, and I’m worried about what the next few months will look like. I know I can run a half marathon, and I know that I can finish a triathlon – I am less worried about the outcomes and more about the journeys to get there.

Currently, I leave work some days feeling so drained that, by the time I get home, I have just enough energy to play with my baby girl for an hour or two before collapsing on the couch – so where am I going to find the energy to train? My husband also has a busy training schedule, and I’m not looking forward to the extra coordination around who will watch baby while the other trains. The pool at our gym is constantly busy and I have no idea when I’ll be able to get down there at all, let alone how to make the most of my time there.

Most of all, I’m worried about feeling guilty about giving up time with her to pursue my own goals. Right now, I want to spend every waking moment with her, and the idea of using my free time to do anything else feels… wasteful. I want to soak in every evening at the library and every afternoon at the playground because I know I won’t have them forever, but I don’t want to do so at the expense of my own personal hopes and dreams.

I know that I will have to rip the band-aid off these worries very soon, but for now, I’m doing my best to enjoy the hell out of every cuddle and story time with her (even if I’m half asleep)!

• It’s been so difficult for me to get my laptop out and write a blog post after many, many hours of sitting in front of my laptop all day at work.
• … but I miss having the creative outlet, so I’m forcing myself to do it right now.
• I’ve had a rough last couple of days/weeks/months/year and a half, but am currently feeling like I have high energy and high spirits, so gosh darn it, I’m gonna let it ride.
• I’ve been reading a lot more over the last two years, and it’s made me yearn to write again. I’ve read funny books, insightful books, bad books, smutty??? books, and they’ve all made me feel all sorts of things (all sorts). Whenever I finish one, I think, I wish I wrote that. Even the bad ones!
• My main creative block has already been ideas – once I have a great idea, I could write forever. I’d look forward to opening my laptop at the end of a long day! However, without a great hook to sink my teeth into (wait, does that metaphor work?), I find myself just staring blankly at the screen.
• For a long time, I figured that my issue was that I wasn’t reading enough. I knew I had to get into the heads of other writers to get my creative juices flowing, but could never find the motivation/time/energy. Now, with the help of audiobooks and a growing distaste for screens, I’m reading again! I’m happy about it! … but unfortunately, that happiness has not come with any additional ideas for what to write.
• Now, I am wondering if the ideas will just come to me if I really commit to writing. So I’ll just write! In bullet points, like I have a Tumblr again, if I have to!
• Could this be a… new year’s resolution?