My Brain Lately

I apologize to anyone that’s had the displeasure of talking to me in the last 7.5 months. Unfortunately, my brain only has one track now, and that track is baby.

It’s understandable, right? People are excited to hear about her! What milestones is she reaching? How much sleep are you and Bryan getting these days? Is she eating real food yet? Is she crawling?

However, my brain is so hard wired to think about her that it often feels like I have literally nothing else going on in my life, and therefore, nothing else to talk to people about. Again, people seem very understanding about this – mom brain, right? – but I still can’t help but feel like a jerk when I forget a big trip or life event that someone else had mentioned in the past, or a story that they had already told me.

(This is especially difficult with those extra modest friends who always insist they don’t have anything big going on, oh don’t worry about me, what’s going on with you? etc etc)

Before having her, I knew that I wanted to prioritize having a full life outside of her. I could be capital-M Mom, but I could also have a career that I was proud of, an active social life, hobbies, an exercise routine, blah blah blah. I knew that it would be hard, but I only “knew” that hypothetically – I didn’t actually have the experience.

Now that I’m here, fuck, this is hard!

Surprisingly, maintaining a social life has been the hardest part for me so far. If I can bring her to a hangout, I spend half of the time doting on her and the other half talking about her, and if I can’t bring her, I spend half of the time thinking about her and hoping that whoever is taking care of her is doing it correctly. It’s nice to have her to talk about, especially with other parents, but she is all I can talk about these days. It feels like I have lost my ability to talk about anything but her.

She is a blessing, and this is a curse.

I hate that I don’t remember what’s happening with my friends. I hate that I’ve lost my curiosity for what’s happening in their lives. I hate forgetting people’s names! I hate that my schedule doesn’t revolve around me and my needs alone anymore. Perhaps most of all – I hate that all of these things makes me feel like a bad person!

Wow, This is Hard

I was already struggling with time management before setting up this challenge.
But now?
Now?
I feel like my life has become a series of countdowns and deadlines.
Let her stay in her crib for 20 more minutes in the morning.
- Unless she cries – if she sounds hungry, then give her 5 more minutes.
  - Was that a cry of hunger or a cry of happiness?
Charge the sound machine so we can use it later.
Charge the sleep headphones so they don’t die on me again!
Start the timer when she starts nursing. Stop the timer when she stops nursing.
- Was that enough time? Should we keep trying?
Change her diaper. Log it in the app.
- I know, I KNOW! Too many apps! But we’re still using the data! She’s constipated! When was the last time she pooped! How would we know if we don’t log it!
How much time do I have to get to work now? Still on track?
Take the train. Is the red line down? What about the green line?
Did you bring the library book? You know that you have to return it by Saturday, right? How far along are you? Will you be able to finish it by then?
Oh, signal problem. Well, at least I have more time to finish.
Finally made it to work! What do I have to follow-up on by EOD? EOW? Need to make sure I take more tickets! To start more timers! Am I on call this week? When are my projects due?
Actually, wait! I need to use my breast pump! Did I reserve the mother’s room? No? Do the open slots fit my schedule? I can make do with 3 hours instead of 2, good enough!
Hey, while I pump, maybe I should get my meditation in. Or should I finish my book? Do I have time to do both? Wait, no, I can’t be stressed while I pump!
I’m still not pumping as much as I’d like, but I’ve come to terms with it! Make sure to log everything!
While I log my pump, I can see what baby girl is up to too. Has she eaten yet? Real food? Any diaper changes? Oh, she’s asleep!
Need to go back to my desk. Ah, I ran out of water – need to walk to the other side of the floor to the kitchen, then all the way back.
- I wonder if I’ll hit 8,000 steps today.
- Never mind, my Fitbit is out of battery. Need to remember to charge my Fitbit. Fuck.
Will anyone notice if I leave early? I think I’ll just leave early.
- I’ll make up the time tonight after baby girl goes to sleep.
- I’ll figure out the hours for my timecard… later.
Are there any times when the trains aren’t super crowded? No? It was worth an ask.
Finally home! I need to remember to put my milk from work away. Then put the ice block back in the freezer. Then put the cooler bag somewhere that isn’t in the way.
- (This place doesn’t exist, the cooler bag is always in the way.)
Oh yeah, I need to pump at home too. I’ll do that while I catch up on work.
- (I get too distracted by my phone that I don’t catch up on work.)
Will baby girl make it to an 8PM bedtime today? Maybe if she does, then she’ll wake up a little later!
- (She’ll start screaming to sleep at 7:30PM, and wake up at 7AM again.)
If I switch off bedtime duties with Bryan, I can get a workout in!
- Make sure that Bryan doesn’t do bedtime every night, though. (Sigh)
- Still find a way to make sure to get a workout in as often as possible though? Somehow??
- Anyway, I don’t have the energy to get in the workout that I want, but I get one. That’s something, right?
OH MY GOD, I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING ALL DAY.
Maybe today will be the day that I sleep a little earlier so that my sleep-wake times match up with baby girl’s!
- Nope!
Lay in bed, remember that you said that you would write a blog every day, and you’ve already skipped half of this week.
- Give yourself grace.
- But not too much, because if you give yourself too much, then you won’t actually write.

On Loving Love

I went to two weddings over the past two weeks. Thankfully, both were within driving distance of our home, so we didn’t have to commute, and there was no overlap in guests between the two other than my husband and I, so I could wear the same outfit to both. I love love, but I love straightforward logistics even more.

I will always say that my wedding was the best! I love my husband! We put a lot of work into that party! IT was full of all of the people we love the most in this world! Yadda yadda yadda!

But, before getting married myself, I viewed other people’s weddings like a buffet. “Let’s do that during our ceremony,” “let’s definitely not do that during cocktail hour,” “make sure our DJ doesn’t play that song,” “who can we ask to do that at ours?”, etc etc. I’m sure other married-couples-to-be view weddings the same way! Therefore, because of the amount of time that has passed since our wedding (which felt, at the time, like part of a large post-covid wedding boom), I do feel like the weddings that we’ve been to have been steadily getting better over time. This makes me happy for, and only a teeny bit jealous of, my friends!

Looking back, I’m proud of what my husband and I were able to put together, using mostly our own time and resources. But I’ve been to many weddings since that have made me think, man, I wish I had thought of that.

Custom illustrations? Creative portraits? Social media managers? Cutesy displays? Actually useful party favors and give aways? Activities that aren’t dancing? etc etc???

I hope I never get tired of going to weddings. I hope I never get to lose the the thrill of seeing friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. I hope I never stop taking a tiny gasp when the bride starts walking down the aisle. I hope I never stop appreciating the little details – in decor, in speeches, or on the dancefloor – that remind me that this is (hopefully!) the happiest day of the life of someone that I really care about.

(Unfortunately, there are parts of a wedding that I have already grown tired of. Unfortunately, that list is mostly “Dancing to Mr. Brightside” over and over, with “overcooked chicken breast” thrown in a few times for good measure. We can’t all be perfect!)